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The Silent Goodbye: When Mom Leaves to Build a Dream


In the immigration narrative, we tend to idolize the heroes, the courageous ones who abandon everything to create a better tomorrow for their families. We witness their graduation pictures, their new professional accomplishments, and their triumphant smiles. But there's another narrative to this story, one that transpires in quiet bedrooms and through hushed phone calls. It's the narrative of the left-behind children.


When a mother takes a journey across oceans to work or study, the sacrifice becomes currency for the family as a whole. The child also pays a price, one that is usually silent, not understood, and profoundly shaping.

 

Miss you, Mamma.
Miss you, Mamma.

 The Emotional Whirlwind

A child's universe is rooted in their main caregiver. When Mom departs, that universe shatters. For a young child, the idea of visas or tuition payments is not something they can comprehend. What they know is straightforward: Mom is away. This lack can register as abandonment, causing sadness, confusion, and even separation anxiety. Research indicates that long-term parental absence through migration can contribute to emotional distress and attachment issues in children (Zhao et al., 2018).

 

The Conflict of Loyalty: Children are instructed, "Mom is doing this for us. She loves you so much." Yet their heart perceives her absence as unlovability. This causes a tender inner conflict. To express sadness or anger might be perceived as betrayal, so they learn to silence their feelings, internalizing guilt rather than healing.

 

The Phantom Limb of Presence: It's the everyday moments they miss most—the scent of her cooking, the sound of her laughter, the security of a hug after a scraped knee. A pixelated face on a screen, lagging or frozen, is not a suitable replacement for a goodnight kiss. Research points to how virtual communication, though useful, can't completely substitute physical presence in the sustenance of emotional connections (Al-Azzeh & Diab, 2025).

 

The Practical Struggles

 

In addition to heartache, everyday life turns into a logistical headache.

 

Disruption of Routine: Without Mom around, family rhythms tend to crumble. A grandparent or relative will intervene, but the pace is altered. Bedtimes, meals, and homework assistance change, leaving the child unstable when they need stability most.

 

The Weight of Adult Concerns: Left-behind children tend to grow up too quickly. They listen to hushed tones of money problems or their mother's worry overseas. They learn to suppress their own needs, so they don't become a "burden," becoming little adults in little bodies. A systematic review discovered that left-behind children tend to have increased rates of depression, loneliness, and emotional withdrawal (Antia et al., 2020).



When will you be back, Mamma?
When will you be back, Mamma?

 

The Reunion Strain (The "After")

 

Ironically, the eagerly anticipated reunion can prove to be one of the greatest challenges.

 

Encountering a Stranger: Both the mother and child have changed after all those years apart. The child has established new attachments; the mother has led a different life. The homecoming mother must win back her spot in the family, not merely reclaim it.

 

Colliding Cultures and Expectations: The mother can come back with new expectations regarding discipline, education, or culture. The child, who has learned to live without her, can be resistant to these changes, creating tension where there would otherwise be healing.

 

How Can We Support These Children?

 

The aim is not to shame parents who make this impossible decision but to educate and create support for the children caught up in its effects.

 

·       Validate Their Feelings: Inform them that it's alright to feel sad, mad, or confused. Their feelings are not bad or ungrateful; they're normal.

 

·       Maintain Rituals: Establish new, routine activities. Preserve old customs and find new methods to bond with Mom, such as reading the same book together via video call or playing a video game online.

 

·       Be Honest (Age-Appropriately): Describe why Mom is absent in easy language. "Mom is off to school to learn how to be a Nurse so that she can take care of people, and we can have a larger house." This presents the absence as deliberate and temporary (Antia et al., 2020).

 

·     Seek Community: Make connections with other families going through comparable experiences. Both the kid and the career left behind may find great consolation in knowing they are not alone.


For most mothers, leaving children behind to immigrate to Canada, either to study, work, or escape a worse life, is one of the hardest decisions they will ever have to make.


The shame, loneliness, and painful longing for ordinary moments are all-consuming.

NJCCS Is Here for You

At NJCCS, I provide empathetic counselling to mothers dealing with this difficult reality. We create a sanctuary of protection where you can sort through your grief, validate your sacrifices, and discover means to remain emotionally bonded to your children despite distance.


I assist you in developing coping skills that offer comfort and resilience, along with advocating for your path towards flourishing within the life you are building here.



"You don't have to walk alone with this heartbreak. It all starts when you allow yourself to be cared for, too. Because even from a distance, a mother's love has no borders."


With warmth,



Nada Johnson, MSW, RSW

Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist / trained Family Mediator / EMDR Trained Therapist / Certified Racial Trauma Clinician / Mental Health & Sexual Violence Consultant / Professional Speaker


Nada Johnson Consulting & Counselling Services – Online phone and video sessions available

Village Healing Centre: 240 Roncesvalles Avenue



Follow our platforms for empowering content, mental health support, and resources on healing from racial trauma. Please share this post to support others navigating the hidden wounds of colourism—they deserve care and healing too. 🤝


References

Zhao, C., Wang, F., Zhou, X., Jiang, M., & Hesketh, T. (2018). Impact of parental migration on psychosocial well-being of children left behind: a qualitative study in rural China. International Journal for Equity in Health, 17(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12939-018-0795-z

Al-Azzeh, D., & Diab, J. L. (2025). Psychological impacts of maternal migration on left-behind children: a cross-cultural review. Frontiers in Psychology, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1407733

Antia, K., Boucsein, J., Deckert, A., Dambach, P., Račaitė, J., Šurkienė, G., Jaenisch, T., Horstick, O., & Winkler, V. (2020). Effects of International Labour Migration on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Left-Behind Children: A Systematic Literature Review. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(12), 4335. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph17124335

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