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My Intentions Behind the Charm

You thought I was charming.

But that charm? It was a mask I wore to win trust.


The “I” in this blog represents every man who’s controlled, manipulated, or hurt the woman who loved him — the boyfriend who chipped away at your confidence, the husband who made you feel like you were the problem, the partner who used your love as a weapon.


When you first met me, you saw the version of me I wanted you to believe was real: confident, funny, protective. The kind of man who made you feel chosen, understood, and safe.


That wasn’t an accident.


I built that version carefully, so you’d let me in without hesitation. I learned what made you smile, what you cared about, and how to say exactly the right things. You thought it was love. I knew it was an act.

At Nada Johnson Consulting & Counselling Services (NJCCS), I work with many women who have been through this same pattern. Women who look back on those early days and wonder how they missed the warning signs. The truth is, you didn’t “miss” anything; you were responding to a connection and care that came off as genuine, something every person deserves to receive in a relationship.

When Charm is a Strategy

A common trait of men like me is that we’re especially charming in the beginning. I made you feel like I understood you better than anyone before me, and used that to make you believe I could treat you better than anyone else ever had. With that, it’s easy to grow deeply attached, pushing aside any second thoughts to feel a kind of love unlike anything before (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.).


Those first weeks or months might have felt special;

🎭 Planning dates that felt thoughtful.

🎭 Sending messages first thing in the morning and late at night.

🎭 Telling you how different you were from anyone I’d met before.


While there might have been some truth to it, I was also using it to move the relationship forward quickly. The faster you trusted me, the less time you had to notice my true intentions (Outlaw, 2022).

The Truth About Moving Fast

Moving fast wasn’t about love; it was about control.


I didn’t want you to have time to compare my words to my actions or notice my true

colours just yet. Rushing things created intensity, which can feel a lot like love. I’d talk about our future early on, use “we” instead of “I,” and tell you how I’d never met anyone like you. All of it was meant to make you feel sure of me before you’d even had the chance to see who I really was (University of Colorado Boulder [CU Boulder], 2023).


For someone who struggles with boundaries or self-worth, this kind of fast-moving romance can feel like relief, a way to skip the expected uncertainties that come with getting to know someone (Outlaw, 2022).


It can feel exciting, comforting, and deeply validating. However, that speed is also dangerous as it leads you to become emotionally attached before you fully understand who the other person is.


The truth is, the charm was never meant to last. It was meant to work.

When Affection Turns Into Control

At first, I kept the charm going just long enough for you to believe it was real. Then I’d start to pull back, just enough to make you crave that closeness again.


Whether it was;

❤️‍🔥 Showering you with compliments, then making a remark about your appearance 🧊

❤️‍🔥 Talking about our future one night, then acting distant the next morning🧊

❤️‍🔥 Being affectionate in public, then cold in private🧊

This hot-and-cold pattern wasn’t random; it was a deliberate way to keep you craving my attention (Outlaw, 2022).


That’s how love bombing works. I flooded you with attention, affection, and big promises to seem “too good to be true,” because the faster you trusted me, the harder it would be to step back and see the truth (Grande, 2020).


But once I sensed you were comfortable and emotionally invested, the shift and need to control began I could start,

🚩 testing your loyalty,

🚩 limiting your time with friends or family,

🚩 or making you feel guilty for wanting independence (CU Boulder, 2023)


That’s why love bombing isn’t romantic; it’s a setup. Once the attention fades, it can leave you confused, questioning yourself, and wondering what changed.

Why This Was Never Your Fault

If you’ve ever blamed yourself for “falling for it,” know this: your empathy, hope, and ability to see the best in someone aren’t weaknesses; they’re strengths.


Men like me often look for women who naturally put others’ needs before their own, who are faithful, forgiving, patient, and generous (Hoffman, 2022). These are beautiful qualities, but men like me turn them into opportunities to get you emotionally attached and justify control.



You weren’t weak. You were loving. And I knew how to turn that love into something I could control.

Does this resonate with you as a woman?

If so, let's see how NJCCS Can Support You

At NJCCS, you’ll find a safe, non-judgmental space to process how those “first moves” shaped your relationship.


We can work together to:

🌿 Recognize early patterns of manipulation and love-bombing.

🌿 Rebuild trust in your own instincts.

🌿 Set boundaries that protect your emotional well-being.

🌿 Heal from the shame or self-blame that often lingers long after leaving.

✨ Real love doesn’t need to rush, perform, or test you. It makes space for your boundaries, respects your pace, and doesn’t rely on you ignoring your doubts. ✨



Warm regards,

 

Nada Johnson, MSW, RSW

Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist / trained Family Mediator / EMDR Trained Therapist / Certified Racial Trauma Clinician / Mental Health & Sexual Violence Consultant / Professional Speaker

Nada Johnson Consulting & Counselling Services - Online phone and video sessions available

Village Healing Centre: 240 Roncesvalles Avenue

C: 437-887-6146


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References

Colorado University Boulder. (2023, June 27). 6 things everyone should know about ‘love bombing’. https://www.colorado.edu/health/blog/love-bombing

Grande, S. H. (2020, September 27). 4 motives behind love-bombing. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/in-it-together/202009/4-motives-behind-love-bombing

Hoffman, N. (2022, May 15). How abusive men pick their victims. Flying Free Now. https://www.flyingfreenow.com/truth-about-domestic-abuse-victim/

Outlaw, R. (2022, April 15). The truth about domestic abuse victim personality types. River Grace Outlaw. https://rivergraceoutlaw.com/?p=1714

Want More Support for Your Professional & Personal Growth?

🔷Try Potential Unlocked™


In addition to counseling, NJCCS offers coaching through our sister brand, Potential Unlocked™, designed specifically for professional women navigating career, leadership, and life transitions.


We support clients with:

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