When Being “The Capable One” Comes at a Cost
- Nada Johnson
- 11 hours ago
- 4 min read
Black History Month often honours resilience, self-reliance, and strength in the face of adversity.
These narratives reflect brilliance and survival
They also shape how many Black women learn to relate to support.
For many high-achieving Black women, being capable is not simply a skill.
It becomes an identity.
You may be the one others depend on.
The one who figures it out.
The one who does not ask for help.
The one who keeps everything moving.
Over time, that identity can begin to feel heavy.
This is not arrogance.
It is adaptation.
✨ When Hyper-Independence Feels Safer Than Support
Many of the women I support at NJCCS describe themselves as strong, organized, and self-sufficient.
They are successful in their careers.
They manage homes, parenting, extended family expectations, and relationships.
Yet when it comes to receiving help, many feel uneasy
They may notice:
✔️ discomfort when others offer support
✔️ difficulty delegating responsibilities
✔️ feeling irritated when others do not meet their standards
✔️ reluctance to share emotional vulnerability
✔️ a belief that depending on others leads to disappointment
Hyper-independence often develops in environments where support was inconsistent, conditional, or unavailable.
Over time, self-reliance becomes protective.
But protection can quietly turn into isolation.
✨ When Rest Feels Unsafe
Long-term stress affects the nervous system.
When you are used to carrying everything, slowing down can feel threatening.
Many high-achieving Black women describe:
🪞 feeling anxious during rest
🪞 guilt when not being productive
🪞 difficulty relaxing even when exhausted
🪞 scanning for the next problem to solve
🪞 waking up tired despite sleeping
The nervous system becomes accustomed to constant vigilance.
Letting go can feel risky.
This is not weakness.
It is what happens when strength has been required for too long.
✨ The Hidden Cost in Relationships
Hyper-independence can also affect intimate partnerships.
When partnered with someone who is self-centred or emotionally unavailable, capable women often compensate.
They over-function.
They manage logistics.
They regulate emotions.
They anticipate needs.
Eventually, the imbalance deepens.
The relationship may look stable from the outside. Inside, resentment grows.
Loneliness intensifies.
Confidence erodes.
Many women blame themselves for feeling dissatisfied.
Instead of asking,“Why am I carrying so much?”
They ask,“Why can’t I handle this better?”
✨ Cultural Conditioning and the Strong Woman Expectation
Cultural messages often reinforce endurance, loyalty, and silence.
Many Black women are taught that strength means staying composed and self-sufficient.
As a result:
Asking for help can feel like failure.
Needing rest can feel indulgent.
Admitting exhaustion can feel unsafe.
Success can mask this strain.
From the outside, everything appears managed, but on the inside, the nervous system remains on high alert.
✨ Reframing Support as Strategic
Seeking support does not erase your capability.
It sustains it.
At NJCCS, I offer a culturally responsive, trauma-informed space where high-achieving Black women and women of colour can explore hyper-independence, relational imbalance, and identity strain without judgment.
In therapy, women often begin to:
🌿 understand how stress shaped their need to over-function
🌿 release the belief that they must carry everything alone
🌿 experience rest without guilt
🌿 rebuild trust in receiving support
🌿 reconnect with parts of themselves
Support is not weakness.
It is wisdom.
✨ A Black History Month Reflection
As we honour Black history, we honour resilience and brilliance.
We can also honour the right to be supported.
If being the capable one has started to feel heavy, you are not alone.
I offer a warm, steady therapeutic space grounded in cultural understanding, nervous system awareness, and respect for lived experience.
You are welcome to book a free 10-minute consultation to explore whether this support feels like the right fit.
You do not have to carry this alone 💙
With warmth,
Nada Johnson, MSW, RSW
Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist / trained Family Mediator / EMDR Trained Therapist / Certified Racial Trauma Clinician / Mental Health & Sexual Violence Consultant / Professional Speaker
🌍 Website: www.nadajohnsonservices.com
📩 Contact: info@nadajohnsonservices.com
Nada Johnson Consulting & Counselling Services – Online phone and video sessions available
Village Healing Centre: 240 Roncesvalles Avenue
Please share this post to support another black woman who may be carrying too much alone. 🤝
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