Why Apologies Don’t Fix Abuse: Love Bombing & the Cycle of Violence
- Nada Johnson
- Jul 29
- 5 min read
When someone says, “I’m sorry,” it’s natural to want to believe them — especially when it’s someone you love.
But in abusive relationships, apologies can become part of the harmful cycle, one that keeps survivors trapped and hoping for something that might be out of reach.
At Nada Johnson Consulting & Counselling Services (NJCCS), I understand how easy it can be to hold on to hope after an apology. When the person who has hurt you shows kindness or promises to change, it can feel like the love you once knew is still there. But abuse is rarely about one argument or one bad day — it’s about patterns of control and harm that words alone can’t change.
The Truth About “I’m Sorry”
In healthy relationships, an apology involves genuine accountability, empathy, and a real effort to repair the harm (Engel, 2025). Trust grows when words align with actions — and over time, honesty helps strengthen the connection in a romantic relationship (The National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.).
But in abusive relationships, “I’m sorry” is often misused.
Your partner may say all the right things
“I’ll never do it again,” or “You know I love you”
but their behaviour doesn’t change.
Instead of rebuilding trust, they use apologies to avoid responsibility or shift blame:
“I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t have made me so angry.”
While these words may seem honest, they’re
often used to avoid consequences and manipulate the situation. Without real accountability or a commitment to change, apologies become another way to maintain control (The National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d.).
Affection with an Agenda
A manipulation tactic common in abusive romantic relationships is love bombing, which is when your partner overwhelms you with excessive affection, attention, or grand gestures after a harmful outburst or argument. This can look like sudden gift-giving, constant texting, overwhelming words of affirmation, or dramatic apologies, all intended to regain control and further emotional dependency (BetterHelp Editorial Team, 2025).
Your partner may act like the loving, attentive person you met, making it feel like the abuse was a one-time mistake. But these extreme shifts create emotional confusion and cause survivors to second-guess their instincts:
"If they’re being so kind now, maybe things really will change".
This emotional rollercoaster keeps many survivors stuck in the relationship, holding on to moments of affection while the cycle continues (BetterHelp Editorial Team, 2025).
The Cycle of Violence
Abuse is rarely ever a one-time mistake. It often follows a pattern called the cycle of violence—a dynamic that can keep you stuck in a spiral of confusion, hope, and fear (Peace Over Violence, n.d.).
Tension builds: Things may feel off. You might sense irritation, blame, or subtle control. Many survivors describe this stage as “walking on eggshells.”
Explosion: The tension turns into emotional, physical, or psychological abuse. This might look like yelling, hitting, name-calling, threats, or the silent treatment.
Honeymoon phase: After the harm, your partner may apologize, love bomb, or promise to change. This is when the showering with gifts or intense affection often comes in, like random flowers, heartfelt texts, or empty promises.
Then, slowly, the tension builds again, resetting the cycle.
Why It’s Hard to Let Go After the Apology
After abuse, it’s common to hold onto good memories as a way to make sense of what happened or to justify why you may have stayed for so long. Sometimes, the mind even blocks out painful moments to cope with trauma, leaving you unsure if you made the right decision to leave (Thurrott, 2020).
Holding onto the good doesn’t mean the abuse didn’t happen; it means you’re human. Many abusers use moments of love and care to build trust and control, making it harder to let go. It can take time to see how those positive moments were part of the cycle, not the full picture (Thurrott, 2020).
How NJCCS Can Support You
At Nada Johnson Consulting & Counselling Services (NJCCS), I understand how confusing and exhausting this cycle can feel. My goal isn’t to push you to leave before you’re ready — it’s to help you see the patterns clearly, trust your instincts, and plan for safety at your own pace.
Through compassionate, trauma-informed counselling, I can help you:
🌿 Recognize patterns like love bombing and the cycle of violence.
🌿 Understand what real change looks like.
🌿 Build emotional strength and confidence to make your own choices.
🌿 Connect with resources and support that keep you safe and informed.
You Deserve More Than Empty Apologies
If you’ve ever thought, “Maybe this time they really mean it,” know that it's human to hope for the best, but real love shouldn’t come at the cost of your safety or peace.
You deserve a love that doesn’t hurt, manipulate, or trap you in endless cycles of “I’m sorry.”
Whenever you’re ready, NJCCS is here to help you move forward — safely, gently, and at your own pace.
✨ You don’t have to go through this alone, support is here, every step of the way. ✨
Warm regards,
Nada Johnson, MSW, RSW
Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist / trained Family Mediator / EMDR Trained Therapist / Certified Racial Trauma Clinician / Mental Health & Sexual Violence Consultant / Professional Speaker
🌍Website: www.nadajohnsonservices.com
📩 Contact: info@nadajohnsonservices.com
Nada Johnson Consulting & Counselling Services - Online phone and video sessions available
Village Healing Centre: 240 Roncesvalles Avenue
C: 437-887-6146
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References
BetterHelp Editorial Team. (2025, February 13). What is love bombing? Examples and dangers. BetterHelp. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/love/what-is-love-bombing-examples-and-dangers/
Engel, B. (2002, July 1). The power of apology. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/articles/200207/the-power-of-apology
Peace Over Violence. (n.d.). The cycle of violence and power and control. https://www.peaceoverviolence.org/iii-the-cycle-of-violence-and-power-and-control
The National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). What if my abusive partner apologizes?https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-if-my-abusive-partner-apologizes/
Thurrott, S. (2020, October 5). When all you can remember are the good times. DomesticShelters.org. https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/after-abuse/when-all-you-can-remember-are-the-good-times
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